And on your list of things to do, is make me fall in love with you

Today was hard. I dont know what made it so different. It just hurt.

Everything reminded me of him. People wearing the same aftershave, people that looked like him or even seeing his favourite singers album in the cd store.

It all hurt. It made my chest ache. It made me feel sick. And what hurts me the most is all the things i know ive forgotten. Our jokes. Our talks. The way he looked. It hurts most that i cant even picture his face in my mind anymore. It feels like it was all just a dream. Like me and him never had a connection, but i know it was there.

I hope every day that he will call me or IM me. Telling me that he loved me and missed me, that there was some great explanation for doing what he did. I come up with all these different scenarios in my head of how he might do it. But im not stupid eough to actually believe it will happen.

I feel like im not actually living my life. Im just sort of drifting tthrough it. Everyday feeling nothing. Im not sad or angry or happy, just empty. It worries me. I dont see a future when i try to picture one and that scares me to death (no pun intended.)

Sometime the people who seem the strongest, are the ones that are falling apart.

You left me alone at my weakest.

Please god, this isnt fair. To give someone noone. To make them feel so lonely. To surround them with people who only make them feel worse. To make it seem easier to take it all away.

I want someone who can make me smile. Who, when im upset can cheer me up in an instant. Some to tell me its all going to be okay. Its been so long since ive had someone like that.

you are a cinema, i could watch you forever ♥

I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss you more than anyone else. But mostly, I miss the old you... the new one sucks.

What happened to you? What happened to the boy i used to know?

The boy who wore two pairs of socks everyday. Who's favourite show was Mork and Mindy. A guy who used to tell me how Dr. Seuss lived in his pocket and only told him all of his secrets, how Dr. Seuss stopped the monsters from saying "come at me bro." Who used to make 11:11 wishes every night and truly believe in them. Who wished to end up with a certain girl? What happened to the guy who could straight out admit, that at heart.. he was a nerd. Whos favourite movie was Lord of The Rings and the boy who was to scared to ask me out? Who wrote poems saying he loved me, and how he thought i got more beautiful each day. What happenes to him? Well, He's gone.

I wonder if you think about me, about what im doing right now, whether im happy or not. Are you happy? I hope so. I wonder if you compare new girlfriends to me, i compare new guys to you... And so far no one is good enough.

I miss you terribly.

black bird singing in the dead of night, spread your broken wings and learn to fly.

sitting at school today and noticing a friend has cuts on her thigh.

Ohh, may  you precious girl. I love you so much. you were the normal one in our group, the happy one.

You know, from when we are little we are told that this is such a wonderful world. our parents read us stories like cinderella and snow white, and make us think that prince charmings and happy endings exist. We're taught that we can do anything, but as you get older, you realise you  you're not capable of half the things we want to do. we realise that we will never be good enough, no matter what. were made to think that this is a place full of happiness, but you want to know something, its fucking not. not even close there is no magic in this world, and i think once you realise that, theres no going back... your entire world changes.

i realised this a very, very long time ago. Love is a form of magic. So, do i believe in love? I have absolutely no idea. Ive had people ask me before, and i always answer no. Why? Well i've never felt it and as far as im concerned i've never seen it. I need to see it to believe it. People don't understand how i can't believe in love, its simple. Everyone that was suppost to love me, hurt me. And maybe thats how love works, but it shouldnt. So until someone loves me and doesnt hurt me, love does not exist. But, before you judge me, you should know that doesnt mean i dont have hope. I wish and hope every day that love exists.

And what about happiness? do i believe in that? Hell, yes. Its just that i havent felt it in a while. Im sort of drifting through life at the moment, not getting involved with anything or anyone. Im here, but at the same time, im not. Confusing right? I dont know, maybe theres someone out there reading this and understanding exactly how i feel. Maybe. Thats if anyone actually reads this of course. Its scary to think maybe people do, because on this blog im not only giving away my own feelings and secrets, im giving away others aswell. Maybe i should do that. Maybe i should just stop writing all of this. But it helps, and those moments when ive just balled my eyes out and thoughts are running through my mind, its a good place to get them all out.

Please dont judge me, and if you do read this blog could you please comment, just so i know if im writing to no one or not.

lay down a list of what is wrong, the things you told him all along, and pray to god he hears you

Billy, my dear, this ones for you.

You should know i have written letter after letter for you. Some i kept, some i burned, some i teared to shreds. But here i go.. with what will hopefully be the final letter. Mind you readers.. this could be a long one.

Where to start? Well, Billy.. you put me back together after i was completely broken. Promised you wouldnt hurt me. You did so much for me. You were perfect.

Did you know that i used to talk to your sister about you? She always wanted us to go out so bad and i never understood why, i mean she didn't even know me. But then one day she told me how she read that second poem. You know, the one where you said you loved me? I still have those poems you wrote, in a special box. And no, i do not think they're lame or cheesy... i still, after all you have done, think they are quite cute. Now, anyways, back to that poem. The exact line was...
i really struggle to find
how i will get this message through to you
but simply say that i love you
And so, the big question on my lips is, did you only say that because it rhymed or did you really mean it?

Now, i could have told you anything if i really wanted to. I trusted you. You told me secrets too, cute things.. but you never told me the real stuff did you? I guess i never told you my real secrets either. I worried about you, alot. Correct me if im wrong, but things seemed like they were falling apart for you. I wanted to help you, make you happy.

You made me so god damn happy.

But things changed between us. I mean, you should know. Youre the one who made things change. One minute things were great, amazing even, and the next you were weird, and not talking to me and it had all changed. And now people, i am not over exaggerating here, it was literally in a matter of minutes. So what happened? I mean, what really happened? Dont give me some bullshit excuse. Im sick of those. I tried talking to you, tried inboxing you. But you just kept on ignoring me. Was it fun for you? Sure as hell wasnt for me.

People warned me about you, a long list of people actually. They said you were scared to fall in love, you were scared of a relationship. And because im the stubborn bitch that i am, i didnt listen. Im sort of glad in a way that i didnt, my philosophy is 'if he makes you happy during the relationship, the ending doesnt matter... Its worth it.'


After a while of not talking, we got close, really close. Maybe we were afraid of getting hurt? But we made sure things never got to serious. Now this is when you were suspended for breaking into the school. Why the hell did you break into the school? I mean, how stupid could you be?

I didnt see you for ages and i missed you.

"My 11:11 wish is to end up with this certain girl," Do you remember this? I do. That girl was me, how cute? I asked you out but you said no, fuck. I was pissed off, i wanted to hit you. So, we had an abusive inbox, and i called you. We talked for 3 hours straight, maybe more. I've never been on the phone with someone for that long. We talked about everything. My favourite conversation ever so far.

Maybe thats when i completely fell for you.

You got expelled. I started worrying about you even more. Although i didnt show it. You were getting stoned all the time and i didnt want you doing that.

I was in and out of doctors for tests and i was scared. You helped cheer me up, telling me i had spiders in my stomach, and we named them. I called the all Frank.

But, i dont think things were good at home for you, because soon enough, you moved to your mums, 1 hour away. There was no internet at your mums and you didnt have a phone. Life got shit without you.

And thats when you stopped talking to me.

Why? What changed? And dont you dare say we just drifted apart, because you know we didnt. You pushed me away. At the time i needed you most, you pushed me away. Why?

I tried so hard to stay close. Now the reason i kept trying to talk to you, you wonder? At first it was because i wanted our friendship back, but later it just became about needing someone to talk to.

See, my world was falling apart, friends were in depression, i was still in and out of doctors, things at home were bad, and i didnt know what to do. I had absolutely no one. I needed you. And maybe your world wasnt so great either. But you could have told me anything. Pinky promise, with blue nailpolish on ;)


It hurt when people started asking questions. I wanted to tell them to fuck off, that it was none of their business. But i didnt because im annoyingly nice.

Everyone seems to think we had sex. But truth is, we didnt even kiss.


So, Astroboy. I miss you. I miss our friendship, our inside jokes, i miss having someone to talk to. And yes, part of me still likes you. But, i guess, thats because, bascially, my perfect guy would be a little like you. If you ever need our friendship back, if you ever need someone to talk to.. im here. No matter what. Maybe one day ill even have the guts to let you read this. Please, just fix up your life, i want to help i just dont know how. I dont think you would let me.

You want to know what scares me most? I thought i loved mark, i really did. But i was naive. When i tried to talk to him and muck around he didnt go along with it, not like you did. And after me and him broke up, i forgot about him within a month. But you, well, its been 3 months without you even speaking a word to me and i still think about you everyday. I miss you everyday. I hurt over you everyday. I want you back. This isnt fair.

Do you ever miss me?

Lots of love,
Pineapple Head xoxo

you had a lot of moment that didnt last forever..

Have you ever been blamed for someone elses unhappiness?
if you have, put your hand up.. If you havent, then you deffinitly will not understand. And i am not just talking about someones temporary unhappiness. No. I mean someones forever happiness. Im talking about from the moment that you are born until the day you die, they will blame you. Any hands still up? Mine is.

See, i was born on a day, in a month, in a year. It is my birthday. But also, more importantly. On that day, in that month and in that year, my brother, my very own brother, decided that he had been forgotten. That no one longer cared for him. He was invisible. He was unhappy. And because of that happening on that day, it is my fault. How unfair is it to blame your own sister, for your unhappiness? Especially, when all shes ever done is tried to be a good sister to you.
Now there is something you should know about me and good old J. We are 15 years and 11 months apart. So it is not like i wrecked his childhood. By the time i came along, his childhood was over. He was an adult. And he pushed my family away, pushed us to the borderline, so we are still here, but i fear, on the verge of falling.

For years, he didnt even live in the same country as us. He never comes to visit, were always the ones to make the effort. And since my 13th birthday dinner he either doesnt come to them, accidentally books a christening on it (which i am forced to attend), or just plain refuses to go unless its at the place where he wants it. Now at the time, these all seemed unreasonable, but i put up with it. But now i realise why he did it, and why he does so many other things, its quite plain and simple... he hates me. I am, and never will be good enough for him.

Now, J. This may be hard for you to undertsand, but really what are you doing to me? I am ever good enough, not for school, not for boys, not even for my friends, or mum and dad. And now, i am your reason for unhappiness. Did you think you saying that wouldnt effect me? Well, let me tell you. You just dug my hole a little deeper.

And see now i think of it. I believe your just waiting for the day you can completely push me out of your life. At the moment i am still here, because of mum and dad, but your just waiting until im old enough and you can completely ignore me, arent you? I guess deleting me off facebook was your first step. oh, and just so you know... your wifes a bitch.

Ai, J? Wanna know a secret? I still love you. You were an amazing brother.

You are not alone tonight

Not many people read this, i know that. But  i was wondering for those of you that do, if you ever  wonder what im really like? What i look like, if im smart, what i do. All that stuff. And i doubt any of you have actually ever thought about it, because well, im just some girl on the internet. But i'm not. I am a real person, i am an average teenage girl. So here, in this post i will tell you just about me, not about what im going through, but just about me. And maybe you want to know, maybe not. If you dont really care about me and what im like, well? I dont care, im still writing this, so enjoy it.

Well, well, well. Where to start? Appearance? Personality? Location?

I am 15 and live in the country of Australia. Yes, thats right. Down Under. I wouldnt want to live anywhere else. I love this country. A little bit nationalist of me.
Oh, and what do i look like you wonder? Well, i have long brown hair and dark green eyes. I love green eyes, that makes me sound up myself, but they're my favourite. I am tall for a girl. Still shorter than all the boys, but pretty tall. I have not grown for three years. I am pale. 'But, but all Australians are tanned right?' Wrong. I am extremely pale. I am thin but curvy and have the sort of body other girls are jealous of. Although, i hate it. I would trade it in if i could.

Now, what am i really like? I want you all to know, that even though alot of my posts are sad. And dont try and tell me theyre not, because i know they are. I am not goth or scene. I am actually quite normal. Can you beleive it? Me? Normal? Never! I am quiet at times and you may think me rude or a snob because of that. But i promise that if you came up to talk to me in the halls or on the street, i will talk to you. I do not judge. I dont care if your gay, straight, fat, loud, quiet or come from a different culture than i do. I will be nice and i will talk to you. But, now, i do warn you. Once you get to know me, i do not shut up. I talk, alot!
 I am quirky and alot of people find that cute. Thank god they do. I am weird and crazy and a tad ocd. Paper envelopes can not be folded in my presence. I get angry quickly but i will not show it. Putting on a mask is a special talent of mine. I am smart, i was once listed as gifted. But if you do know me, i will do anything in my power to keep that from you. Although, i do have many many blonde moments.

That was actually quite long. And i could probably go on forever. One of the easiest topics to write about it yourself. That sounds self absorbed, but really it is. Sit down, and write just like i am. About yourself and you will realise so many things you never knew. I promise you.

Anyways, taa taa for now. xo

Im not yours and your not mine; but we can sit and pass the time..

Dear S,

Were not close, and i wish we were. But i find things with us awkward. There is a reason, but just in case anyone i know reads this.. i will not say what it is. You are now yet, another person, who has told me their secrets. Why did you tell me?
Today you asked why i see the counsellor, i quickly brushed off the question. I didnt want to have to explain, i guess i didnt think you'd understand. You told me how you go see her too, and that you hate it. You hate telling people your problems and talking about your feelings. But, your mum makes you see her. You then proceeded to tell me about how much you hate that your parents are divorced. That they are going back to court next week, your dreading it. That they both need help with their anger and that they hit you. You promised that you would never ever put your kids through that, ever. And me? Well, i sat there quietly, nodding and listening. But inside, inside i was screaming. I know its hard for you to talk to people, and well, you must have felt comfortable telling me, but i didnt want to hear it. That sounds so selfish. I guess it is. Oh sweetie, that is why im in councelling... because i know everyone elses secrets, i know everyone elses problems and i am not coping with them, let alone my own. And the saddest thing? The thing that kills me most? I cant help you. I cant do anything. S darling... i am so sorry. I wish i could help you. I wish i could save you.. but i just dont know how.

To me, you were the girl with the perfect life. You have the almost perfect boyfriend, your so beautiful, your close with your  brother and uncles, and have amazing friends who would do anything for you and your so smart. You seem so happy, maybe you are. But you dont live a wonderful life do you? I saw that today. Where am i suppost to place my hope now? Your the one person i thought was okay, who wasnt broken, and now i see your are. Just like the rest of us. But, please know i am so proud of you. I think you are amazingly strong for getting up every morning, putting on a smile, for being happy. If i had gone through what you have been through, i really dont think i could do it. I think you are genuinly happy and love life. Please, please, dont prove me wrong.

Love from,
'Anonymous' (remember readers, i promised you, you will never know who i really am. And i always keep my promises, promise.)

She had the most amazing... smile.

I need to find my way back to the start

I went and saw my school counsellor today. A social worker was there aswell. She asked a whole bunch of questions, and her conclusion was i have to stop helping people. I have to stop dealing with everyone elses problems, because, well, its killing me. I dont know what to do, i cant carry everyone elses burdens anymore. Yet, i cant not help them, i cant not listen. I need to know that at least i tried to make things better for them.

She asked if i have anyone to talk to, someone to tell all my problems to and just let everything out, and you know what? I started crying. Right then and there. In that small little office with the two of them, i started crying. Because, no. No, i do not have anyone to talk to. I am alone. Because people leave. People never stick around, i dont matter enough for them to care.

When do i start to matter? There has to be a point in time, when things become about me. When i am no longer trying to help two of my bestfriends through depression. When i no longer have to go to sleep worrying that they wont be here tomorrow. When will i be the one everyones worried about? Please im begging you, watch me. Watch me an entire day and see my smile is forced.. My laugh is fake. Im not happy. Please, god dammit, take the time out of your busy day to notice. Dont be self absorbed, your not the only one with problems. Please, please, notice.

I guess some of you are wodering, why would a normal 15 year old girl, be sad. She has the whole world at her finger tips. She has a future in front of her, she can become anything. And yes, yes i can. I do not want to die. Really, i dont. I cant wait to get older and find out what my life will be like. To see if i will make a difference in this world. But, at the moment, i dont want to help people anymore, i dont want to spend my nights talking friends out of suicide, and worrying and helping people with all their problems. Sounds selfish. Its killing, me knowing that this world is such a horrible place. That it isnt how we were taught. It isnt amazing and happy. It a world full of selfishness, hate and sadness. And that makes me sad.  I should be having fun with my life, no worrying. Partying and just having fun. And that is why i dont want to die, no, there is to much to look forward to to die. I just want to start fresh. I want to run away from everyone elses problems and just deal with my own. You should to.

And all i want, is for someone to fight for me

Maybe if there was no such thing, as love stories, and chick flicks, poems and quotes; we wouldn't expect so much. All these things create a image in our head, an idea of what loves should be like. Impossibe expectatios. That is something you have to realise. They're impossible.

My dream guy, you wonder? He isn't perfect, not even close. His tall with brown hair and brown eyes. He can have a joke, but barely ever takes anything seriously. He will be the guy who i can wrestle with, and yes, we will fight. He will be nice to my mum, and probably wont get along with my dad, because really, who does? He will be into sports, even though im not and he will be caring. But at the same time, i will not be his whole world... because that's not how i want it to be. It sort of sounds like im describing someone, doesnt it? And yes, i am.

I always fight for people. Always. I have a hard time of letting things so; letting poeple go. I never give up on poeple, it's not in my nature to do that. It sounds like a good thing, but it is deffenitly not. When someone has hurt you countless times, it time to rid them of your life. This is the biggest failure for me. I always see the good, and i blind myself of the bad. But what i want most, is just for someone to fight for me. To put everything on the line for me. I know i am insecure and hard to handle, but i want someone to stick around long enough to get past that. No one, i repeat no one, ever does that for me. Im always given up on.

This time though, i am running. I am not going to wait around just to get hurt. I am finally just running from him and not looking back. I am so damn proud of myself. (Too bad, there are some things you just can't run from.)

Girls, please, please promise me... you will never accept less than you deserve. Every single one of you deserve the world and so much more. Your too beautiful and amazing to accept anything less. Promise me?

Have you ever sat back and just looked at the world? Not interferred, not spoken, not moved.. just sat there and observed? I have. And what i saw, well, it scared me. This world, this one we created, it is filled with so much hate, so much pain and so much sadness. I want it all gone, I want to help rid the world of the bad.

My dream- I want every girl; every single girl in this world to feel beautiful. No matter how much you weigh, how tall you are, what type of body you have, or what background you come from, i want you to feel beautiful. You are not worthless, you are not pathetic, you are not a loser... you are beautiful! And it has become my mission in life, to make sure you know this. I want to be happy, i want be finished with everyone elses problems.

So what exactly will this blog contain you may ask? Well, of that i am not exactly sure. I will tell you about my personal stories and what make me the person i am today. What has given me the mission to make every girl feel beautiful. It will be filled with quotes, and thoughts and anything i feel like.  I will tell you about my quest to happiness. And i will eventually get there, i have faith.

But, please, join me, and make someone feel beautiful. It may just save a life. Feel beautiful yourself and be happy.

oh, and who am i? Well, my lovelys, that is something you will never know. I promise you that.