She had the most amazing... smile.

I need to find my way back to the start

I went and saw my school counsellor today. A social worker was there aswell. She asked a whole bunch of questions, and her conclusion was i have to stop helping people. I have to stop dealing with everyone elses problems, because, well, its killing me. I dont know what to do, i cant carry everyone elses burdens anymore. Yet, i cant not help them, i cant not listen. I need to know that at least i tried to make things better for them.

She asked if i have anyone to talk to, someone to tell all my problems to and just let everything out, and you know what? I started crying. Right then and there. In that small little office with the two of them, i started crying. Because, no. No, i do not have anyone to talk to. I am alone. Because people leave. People never stick around, i dont matter enough for them to care.

When do i start to matter? There has to be a point in time, when things become about me. When i am no longer trying to help two of my bestfriends through depression. When i no longer have to go to sleep worrying that they wont be here tomorrow. When will i be the one everyones worried about? Please im begging you, watch me. Watch me an entire day and see my smile is forced.. My laugh is fake. Im not happy. Please, god dammit, take the time out of your busy day to notice. Dont be self absorbed, your not the only one with problems. Please, please, notice.

I guess some of you are wodering, why would a normal 15 year old girl, be sad. She has the whole world at her finger tips. She has a future in front of her, she can become anything. And yes, yes i can. I do not want to die. Really, i dont. I cant wait to get older and find out what my life will be like. To see if i will make a difference in this world. But, at the moment, i dont want to help people anymore, i dont want to spend my nights talking friends out of suicide, and worrying and helping people with all their problems. Sounds selfish. Its killing, me knowing that this world is such a horrible place. That it isnt how we were taught. It isnt amazing and happy. It a world full of selfishness, hate and sadness. And that makes me sad.  I should be having fun with my life, no worrying. Partying and just having fun. And that is why i dont want to die, no, there is to much to look forward to to die. I just want to start fresh. I want to run away from everyone elses problems and just deal with my own. You should to.