You are not alone tonight

Not many people read this, i know that. But  i was wondering for those of you that do, if you ever  wonder what im really like? What i look like, if im smart, what i do. All that stuff. And i doubt any of you have actually ever thought about it, because well, im just some girl on the internet. But i'm not. I am a real person, i am an average teenage girl. So here, in this post i will tell you just about me, not about what im going through, but just about me. And maybe you want to know, maybe not. If you dont really care about me and what im like, well? I dont care, im still writing this, so enjoy it.

Well, well, well. Where to start? Appearance? Personality? Location?

I am 15 and live in the country of Australia. Yes, thats right. Down Under. I wouldnt want to live anywhere else. I love this country. A little bit nationalist of me.
Oh, and what do i look like you wonder? Well, i have long brown hair and dark green eyes. I love green eyes, that makes me sound up myself, but they're my favourite. I am tall for a girl. Still shorter than all the boys, but pretty tall. I have not grown for three years. I am pale. 'But, but all Australians are tanned right?' Wrong. I am extremely pale. I am thin but curvy and have the sort of body other girls are jealous of. Although, i hate it. I would trade it in if i could.

Now, what am i really like? I want you all to know, that even though alot of my posts are sad. And dont try and tell me theyre not, because i know they are. I am not goth or scene. I am actually quite normal. Can you beleive it? Me? Normal? Never! I am quiet at times and you may think me rude or a snob because of that. But i promise that if you came up to talk to me in the halls or on the street, i will talk to you. I do not judge. I dont care if your gay, straight, fat, loud, quiet or come from a different culture than i do. I will be nice and i will talk to you. But, now, i do warn you. Once you get to know me, i do not shut up. I talk, alot!
 I am quirky and alot of people find that cute. Thank god they do. I am weird and crazy and a tad ocd. Paper envelopes can not be folded in my presence. I get angry quickly but i will not show it. Putting on a mask is a special talent of mine. I am smart, i was once listed as gifted. But if you do know me, i will do anything in my power to keep that from you. Although, i do have many many blonde moments.

That was actually quite long. And i could probably go on forever. One of the easiest topics to write about it yourself. That sounds self absorbed, but really it is. Sit down, and write just like i am. About yourself and you will realise so many things you never knew. I promise you.

Anyways, taa taa for now. xo

Im not yours and your not mine; but we can sit and pass the time..

Dear S,

Were not close, and i wish we were. But i find things with us awkward. There is a reason, but just in case anyone i know reads this.. i will not say what it is. You are now yet, another person, who has told me their secrets. Why did you tell me?
Today you asked why i see the counsellor, i quickly brushed off the question. I didnt want to have to explain, i guess i didnt think you'd understand. You told me how you go see her too, and that you hate it. You hate telling people your problems and talking about your feelings. But, your mum makes you see her. You then proceeded to tell me about how much you hate that your parents are divorced. That they are going back to court next week, your dreading it. That they both need help with their anger and that they hit you. You promised that you would never ever put your kids through that, ever. And me? Well, i sat there quietly, nodding and listening. But inside, inside i was screaming. I know its hard for you to talk to people, and well, you must have felt comfortable telling me, but i didnt want to hear it. That sounds so selfish. I guess it is. Oh sweetie, that is why im in councelling... because i know everyone elses secrets, i know everyone elses problems and i am not coping with them, let alone my own. And the saddest thing? The thing that kills me most? I cant help you. I cant do anything. S darling... i am so sorry. I wish i could help you. I wish i could save you.. but i just dont know how.

To me, you were the girl with the perfect life. You have the almost perfect boyfriend, your so beautiful, your close with your  brother and uncles, and have amazing friends who would do anything for you and your so smart. You seem so happy, maybe you are. But you dont live a wonderful life do you? I saw that today. Where am i suppost to place my hope now? Your the one person i thought was okay, who wasnt broken, and now i see your are. Just like the rest of us. But, please know i am so proud of you. I think you are amazingly strong for getting up every morning, putting on a smile, for being happy. If i had gone through what you have been through, i really dont think i could do it. I think you are genuinly happy and love life. Please, please, dont prove me wrong.

Love from,
'Anonymous' (remember readers, i promised you, you will never know who i really am. And i always keep my promises, promise.)

She had the most amazing... smile.

I need to find my way back to the start

I went and saw my school counsellor today. A social worker was there aswell. She asked a whole bunch of questions, and her conclusion was i have to stop helping people. I have to stop dealing with everyone elses problems, because, well, its killing me. I dont know what to do, i cant carry everyone elses burdens anymore. Yet, i cant not help them, i cant not listen. I need to know that at least i tried to make things better for them.

She asked if i have anyone to talk to, someone to tell all my problems to and just let everything out, and you know what? I started crying. Right then and there. In that small little office with the two of them, i started crying. Because, no. No, i do not have anyone to talk to. I am alone. Because people leave. People never stick around, i dont matter enough for them to care.

When do i start to matter? There has to be a point in time, when things become about me. When i am no longer trying to help two of my bestfriends through depression. When i no longer have to go to sleep worrying that they wont be here tomorrow. When will i be the one everyones worried about? Please im begging you, watch me. Watch me an entire day and see my smile is forced.. My laugh is fake. Im not happy. Please, god dammit, take the time out of your busy day to notice. Dont be self absorbed, your not the only one with problems. Please, please, notice.

I guess some of you are wodering, why would a normal 15 year old girl, be sad. She has the whole world at her finger tips. She has a future in front of her, she can become anything. And yes, yes i can. I do not want to die. Really, i dont. I cant wait to get older and find out what my life will be like. To see if i will make a difference in this world. But, at the moment, i dont want to help people anymore, i dont want to spend my nights talking friends out of suicide, and worrying and helping people with all their problems. Sounds selfish. Its killing, me knowing that this world is such a horrible place. That it isnt how we were taught. It isnt amazing and happy. It a world full of selfishness, hate and sadness. And that makes me sad.  I should be having fun with my life, no worrying. Partying and just having fun. And that is why i dont want to die, no, there is to much to look forward to to die. I just want to start fresh. I want to run away from everyone elses problems and just deal with my own. You should to.