lay down a list of what is wrong, the things you told him all along, and pray to god he hears you

Billy, my dear, this ones for you.

You should know i have written letter after letter for you. Some i kept, some i burned, some i teared to shreds. But here i go.. with what will hopefully be the final letter. Mind you readers.. this could be a long one.

Where to start? Well, Billy.. you put me back together after i was completely broken. Promised you wouldnt hurt me. You did so much for me. You were perfect.

Did you know that i used to talk to your sister about you? She always wanted us to go out so bad and i never understood why, i mean she didn't even know me. But then one day she told me how she read that second poem. You know, the one where you said you loved me? I still have those poems you wrote, in a special box. And no, i do not think they're lame or cheesy... i still, after all you have done, think they are quite cute. Now, anyways, back to that poem. The exact line was...
i really struggle to find
how i will get this message through to you
but simply say that i love you
And so, the big question on my lips is, did you only say that because it rhymed or did you really mean it?

Now, i could have told you anything if i really wanted to. I trusted you. You told me secrets too, cute things.. but you never told me the real stuff did you? I guess i never told you my real secrets either. I worried about you, alot. Correct me if im wrong, but things seemed like they were falling apart for you. I wanted to help you, make you happy.

You made me so god damn happy.

But things changed between us. I mean, you should know. Youre the one who made things change. One minute things were great, amazing even, and the next you were weird, and not talking to me and it had all changed. And now people, i am not over exaggerating here, it was literally in a matter of minutes. So what happened? I mean, what really happened? Dont give me some bullshit excuse. Im sick of those. I tried talking to you, tried inboxing you. But you just kept on ignoring me. Was it fun for you? Sure as hell wasnt for me.

People warned me about you, a long list of people actually. They said you were scared to fall in love, you were scared of a relationship. And because im the stubborn bitch that i am, i didnt listen. Im sort of glad in a way that i didnt, my philosophy is 'if he makes you happy during the relationship, the ending doesnt matter... Its worth it.'


After a while of not talking, we got close, really close. Maybe we were afraid of getting hurt? But we made sure things never got to serious. Now this is when you were suspended for breaking into the school. Why the hell did you break into the school? I mean, how stupid could you be?

I didnt see you for ages and i missed you.

"My 11:11 wish is to end up with this certain girl," Do you remember this? I do. That girl was me, how cute? I asked you out but you said no, fuck. I was pissed off, i wanted to hit you. So, we had an abusive inbox, and i called you. We talked for 3 hours straight, maybe more. I've never been on the phone with someone for that long. We talked about everything. My favourite conversation ever so far.

Maybe thats when i completely fell for you.

You got expelled. I started worrying about you even more. Although i didnt show it. You were getting stoned all the time and i didnt want you doing that.

I was in and out of doctors for tests and i was scared. You helped cheer me up, telling me i had spiders in my stomach, and we named them. I called the all Frank.

But, i dont think things were good at home for you, because soon enough, you moved to your mums, 1 hour away. There was no internet at your mums and you didnt have a phone. Life got shit without you.

And thats when you stopped talking to me.

Why? What changed? And dont you dare say we just drifted apart, because you know we didnt. You pushed me away. At the time i needed you most, you pushed me away. Why?

I tried so hard to stay close. Now the reason i kept trying to talk to you, you wonder? At first it was because i wanted our friendship back, but later it just became about needing someone to talk to.

See, my world was falling apart, friends were in depression, i was still in and out of doctors, things at home were bad, and i didnt know what to do. I had absolutely no one. I needed you. And maybe your world wasnt so great either. But you could have told me anything. Pinky promise, with blue nailpolish on ;)


It hurt when people started asking questions. I wanted to tell them to fuck off, that it was none of their business. But i didnt because im annoyingly nice.

Everyone seems to think we had sex. But truth is, we didnt even kiss.


So, Astroboy. I miss you. I miss our friendship, our inside jokes, i miss having someone to talk to. And yes, part of me still likes you. But, i guess, thats because, bascially, my perfect guy would be a little like you. If you ever need our friendship back, if you ever need someone to talk to.. im here. No matter what. Maybe one day ill even have the guts to let you read this. Please, just fix up your life, i want to help i just dont know how. I dont think you would let me.

You want to know what scares me most? I thought i loved mark, i really did. But i was naive. When i tried to talk to him and muck around he didnt go along with it, not like you did. And after me and him broke up, i forgot about him within a month. But you, well, its been 3 months without you even speaking a word to me and i still think about you everyday. I miss you everyday. I hurt over you everyday. I want you back. This isnt fair.

Do you ever miss me?

Lots of love,
Pineapple Head xoxo

you had a lot of moment that didnt last forever..

Have you ever been blamed for someone elses unhappiness?
if you have, put your hand up.. If you havent, then you deffinitly will not understand. And i am not just talking about someones temporary unhappiness. No. I mean someones forever happiness. Im talking about from the moment that you are born until the day you die, they will blame you. Any hands still up? Mine is.

See, i was born on a day, in a month, in a year. It is my birthday. But also, more importantly. On that day, in that month and in that year, my brother, my very own brother, decided that he had been forgotten. That no one longer cared for him. He was invisible. He was unhappy. And because of that happening on that day, it is my fault. How unfair is it to blame your own sister, for your unhappiness? Especially, when all shes ever done is tried to be a good sister to you.
Now there is something you should know about me and good old J. We are 15 years and 11 months apart. So it is not like i wrecked his childhood. By the time i came along, his childhood was over. He was an adult. And he pushed my family away, pushed us to the borderline, so we are still here, but i fear, on the verge of falling.

For years, he didnt even live in the same country as us. He never comes to visit, were always the ones to make the effort. And since my 13th birthday dinner he either doesnt come to them, accidentally books a christening on it (which i am forced to attend), or just plain refuses to go unless its at the place where he wants it. Now at the time, these all seemed unreasonable, but i put up with it. But now i realise why he did it, and why he does so many other things, its quite plain and simple... he hates me. I am, and never will be good enough for him.

Now, J. This may be hard for you to undertsand, but really what are you doing to me? I am ever good enough, not for school, not for boys, not even for my friends, or mum and dad. And now, i am your reason for unhappiness. Did you think you saying that wouldnt effect me? Well, let me tell you. You just dug my hole a little deeper.

And see now i think of it. I believe your just waiting for the day you can completely push me out of your life. At the moment i am still here, because of mum and dad, but your just waiting until im old enough and you can completely ignore me, arent you? I guess deleting me off facebook was your first step. oh, and just so you know... your wifes a bitch.

Ai, J? Wanna know a secret? I still love you. You were an amazing brother.